So I’ve been struggling with a few things, which is one of many reasons why my online presence has been absent. First my mundane life (the one I live every day instead of the fantasy life, writing and being super creative 24-7) has been crazy.
I own a shop, a small shop but mine nonetheless and I have been crazily trying to keep up with the day to day (and playing catch up from vacation). Which, added to the decision to create a whole butt ton of products myself, has left me a wee bit tired, overwhelmed and frankly just a wee bit cranky. I tend to be a touch obsessive and want everything to be perfect, professional and DONE. When I think of an idea there is no putting it off – I want it now. Instant gratification girl right here.
So I come up with this brilliant idea to make incense (only 21 scents, no big deal) then I think, while I am at it why don’t I make a bath salts and a smudge spray (involving a sage infusion which takes a lot of time and energy), oh and rose water would go nicely along with that, and if I am making all that I may as well make Florida water and abramelin oil, and four thieves vinegar too. So what started as a “let’s do a couple of fun things” has exploded into a massive overwhelming undertaking. Please don’t misunderstand, I love doing all this – it’s just my eyes are bigger than my proverbial tummy. I am getting it all done- it’s just slightly boggling.
My vacation in Spain was great, also overwhelming and not what I expected. The views were spectacular, there were surreal moments interspersed with lows and highs so extreme they left me off kilter. Sometimes things don’t happen the way I think they should and I get let down easily. My feelings have always been my downfall, I can’t help but be the person who takes things personally and gets hurt regularly by things no one thinks will hurt. Mr. Gloria always warns me about wearing my heart on my sleeve and how he doesn’t like to see me disappointed. I try to be a duck (nothing sticks to a duck – everything just slides off its back) but I’m not. Anyways my vacation was exciting and everything – just not what I thought.
Although on a side note – the apartment we stayed at had a five piece bathroom (with a bidet and all) now I’ve seen these bidet things on television and heard about them but never had the opportunity to -ahem -test one out. So while I had one residing in the same space as me I thought, “what the hell – let’s give it a whirl.” Well, ladies let me tell you. It was not at all what I expected.
I have thought a lot about the experience and come to one conclusion – I am not high class enough to enjoy a bidet. The water temperature left lots to be desired, that and the spray wasn’t forceful enough to reach the bits it was supposed to be reaching, which left me splashing around like a child in an incredibly weird wading pool. But more than anything the awkward, demeaning and potentially dangerous position one needs to contort oneself into, in order to perch on the torturous device left me cringing. And incredibly thankful that I had preemptively locked the door so Mr. Gloria did not walk in on that fabulous view. Now that I have allowed you a glimpse inside my weird and odd bathroom escapades I will return to the topic on hand…what was I saying again? Hold on while I read the beginning and remember what I was talking about….
Right, that’s it.
So vacation wasn’t what I thought, and in my everyday life I’ve been incredibly busy. I also have been working away on some new stuff – finished my initial draft of a novella I hope to have edited and ready to send off to publishers soon. I've been plotting away, getting to know my next main character, who I think is pretty fabulous. I received the cover art for Supernaturally Yours (which I am super excited about by the way). Thing 1 started grade 12 and Thing 2 is now a high schooler. My babies are growing so big and old and mature that it scares me. These are some of the things I have been struggling to balance. I know I am not the only one who has issues finding harmony between family and work and passions. It has been quite a journey for me to learn how to do just that.
I also struggle with self-confidence (a lot) it’s one of the reasons it took me so long to actually send something I wrote to a publisher (or even let anyone including my besties or Mr. Gloria read my words.) I mean for God’s sake I just turned 40, who in their right mind starts a career path like 'writer' at this ripe age? I even have problems calling myself a writer or God forbid an Author. An author is someone like Katie Macalister, like Patrick Rothfuss, Charlaine Harris. These amazing creatures who can string together words like popcorn while sitting on the pedestals I thrust them on. It isn’t me, awkward, uneven, plain old me. I am not that person, and being able to see myself that way is a real trial. It doesn't happen easily. The past month has been a real trial with, and on, my esteem, believing that I am good enough, that I deserve this is a daily struggle that I encounter. I try so hard to not be down on myself, to believe, but it is difficult.
The publisher has delayed Supernaturally Yours publication date by two weeks. Not a big deal I know (in my head I know) but my emotions immediately went to the “What did I do wrong?” “I’m not good enough.” “This is all a joke, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and find it never happened.” Place. It took a lot of internal self-boosting talk and listening to Mr. Gloria for me to put those thoughts aside and keep going.
So I’ve avoided posting, trying to think happy and be happy and post happy and most of all trying to be gentle with myself. Finally I couldn’t ignore it any longer I had to blog. SO here I am, emotionally naked, letting you all know what I can’t hide from. I’m not looking for pity (I can give plenty of that to myself) but rather just wanted to show you all I am human. I also wanted to explain my absence so that no one thought I was ignoring them.
Wow reading this blog back makes me sound right certifiable – I swear I’m not. I get down, and today (this month) has been a down time. I will survive, and will perk up by the next time I write.
An incredibly long post and for that I apologize and hope everyone can forgive my blabbering on. I promise next one will be happier. To ask for forgiveness I will include a couple of pictures of me in Mijas Pueblo and Ronda in Spain. As I said, unreal views and unbelievable moments. That’s what I need to hold onto rather than the low points.