Back to reality.

So I’ve been struggling with a few things, which is one of many reasons why my online presence has been absent. First my mundane life (the one I live every day instead of the fantasy life, writing and being super creative 24-7) has been crazy.

I own a shop, a small shop but mine nonetheless and I have been crazily trying to keep up with the day to day (and playing catch up from vacation). Which, added to the decision to create a whole butt ton of products myself, has left me a wee bit tired, overwhelmed and frankly just a wee bit cranky. I tend to be a touch obsessive and want everything to be perfect, professional and DONE. When I think of an idea there is no putting it off – I want it now. Instant gratification girl right here.

So I come up with this brilliant idea to make incense (only 21 scents, no big deal) then I think, while I am at it why don’t I make a bath salts and a smudge spray (involving a sage infusion which takes a lot of time and energy), oh and rose water would go nicely along with that, and if I am making all that I may as well make Florida water and abramelin oil, and four thieves vinegar too. So what started as a “let’s do a couple of fun things” has exploded into a massive overwhelming undertaking. Please don’t misunderstand, I love doing all this – it’s just my eyes are bigger than my proverbial tummy. I am getting it all done- it’s just slightly boggling.

My vacation in Spain was great, also overwhelming and not what I expected. The views were spectacular, there were surreal moments interspersed with lows and highs so extreme they left me off kilter. Sometimes things don’t happen the way I think they should and I get let down easily. My feelings have always been my downfall, I can’t help but be the person who takes things personally and gets hurt regularly by things no one thinks will hurt. Mr. Gloria always warns me about wearing my heart on my sleeve and how he doesn’t like to see me disappointed. I try to be a duck (nothing sticks to a duck – everything just slides off its back) but I’m not. Anyways my vacation was exciting and everything – just not what I thought.

Although on a side note – the apartment we stayed at had a five piece bathroom (with a bidet and all) now I’ve seen these bidet things on television and heard about them but never had the opportunity to -ahem -test one out. So while I had one residing in the same space as me I thought, “what the hell – let’s give it a whirl.” Well, ladies let me tell you. It was not at all what I expected.

I have thought a lot about the experience and come to one conclusion – I am not high class enough to enjoy a bidet. The water temperature left lots to be desired, that and the spray wasn’t forceful enough to reach the bits it was supposed to be reaching, which left me splashing around like a child in an incredibly weird wading pool. But more than anything the awkward, demeaning and potentially dangerous position one needs to contort oneself into, in order to perch on the torturous device left me cringing. And incredibly thankful that I had preemptively locked the door so Mr. Gloria did not walk in on that fabulous view. Now that I have allowed you a glimpse inside my weird and odd bathroom escapades I will return to the topic on hand…what was I saying again? Hold on while I read the beginning and remember what I was talking about….

Right, that’s it.

So vacation wasn’t what I thought, and in my everyday life I’ve been incredibly busy. I also have been working away on some new stuff – finished my initial draft of a novella I hope to have edited and ready to send off to publishers soon. I've been plotting away, getting to know my next main character, who I think is pretty fabulous. I received the cover art for Supernaturally Yours (which I am super excited about by the way). Thing 1 started grade 12 and Thing 2 is now a high schooler. My babies are growing so big and old and mature that it scares me. These are some of the things I have been struggling to balance. I know I am not the only one who has issues finding harmony between family and work and passions. It has been quite a journey for me to learn how to do just that.

I also struggle with self-confidence (a lot) it’s one of the reasons it took me so long to actually send something I wrote to a publisher (or even let anyone including my besties or Mr. Gloria read my words.) I mean for God’s sake I just turned 40, who in their right mind starts a career path like 'writer' at this ripe age? I even have problems calling myself a writer or God forbid an Author. An author is someone like Katie Macalister, like Patrick Rothfuss, Charlaine Harris. These amazing creatures who can string together words like popcorn while sitting on the pedestals I thrust them on. It isn’t me, awkward, uneven, plain old me. I am not that person, and being able to see myself that way is a real trial. It doesn't happen easily. The past month has been a real trial with, and on, my esteem, believing that I am good enough, that I deserve this is a daily struggle that I encounter. I try so hard to not be down on myself, to believe, but it is difficult.

The publisher has delayed Supernaturally Yours publication date by two weeks. Not a big deal I know (in my head I know) but my emotions immediately went to the “What did I do wrong?” “I’m not good enough.” “This is all a joke, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and find it never happened.” Place. It took a lot of internal self-boosting talk and listening to Mr. Gloria for me to put those thoughts aside and keep going.

So I’ve avoided posting, trying to think happy and be happy and post happy and most of all trying to be gentle with myself. Finally I couldn’t ignore it any longer I had to blog. SO here I am, emotionally naked, letting you all know what I can’t hide from. I’m not looking for pity (I can give plenty of that to myself) but rather just wanted to show you all I am human. I also wanted to explain my absence so that no one thought I was ignoring them.

Wow reading this blog back makes me sound right certifiable – I swear I’m not. I get down, and today (this month) has been a down time. I will survive, and will perk up by the next time I write.

An incredibly long post and for that I apologize and hope everyone can forgive my blabbering on. I promise next one will be happier. To ask for forgiveness I will include a couple of pictures of me in Mijas Pueblo and Ronda in Spain. As I said, unreal views and unbelievable moments. That’s what I need to hold onto rather than the low points.

Perspectives

It's funny, the other day I was talking to a new friend. For simplicity lets call this friend Mary and her hubby John. The conversation went something like this:

Mary - "You know Gloria, John thinks you don't like him."
Me - "What? Why would he think that?"
Mary - "He says you never talk to him."
Me - "Really! And here I thought I was doing so much better!"

Although I may write about conversing with the opposite sex I'm not great at doing it for myself. I can count on one hand the number of males I have had a conversation that lasts longer than four sentences. I've always been an incredibly shy person (with strangers - once I get to know you watch out!) but especially with members of the opposite sex and old people (but that's a different phobia entirely).

Some of my friends husbands whom I've known for nearly twenty years, I was a bridesmaid in their wedding and I still haven't had a conversation with the husband on my own. When my girlfriend is there sure - but alone I have no idea what to say. Even my own brother in law, if I call and my sister isn't home I tend to hang up and not say more than ten words. I don't know why. I have no idea what to say. And my innate shyness comes back with a bang.

So back to the original point. With John, I have been actively forcing myself to talk to him. To be friendly, to be me. I wasn't letting my shyness overcome me: or so I thought.

I explained all this to Mary and how I thought I was doing so great with John and how I felt bad that he thought I hated him. We had a good laugh about it in the end. I was able to put their minds at ease that yes indeed I did like them and was making an effort which would get easier with time.

What it all comes down to is perspective. From my perspective I was doing great and everything was good. Froms Johns perspective I couldn't stand him. Each of our own life experiences dictates how we see things in many situations not just the one I experienced recently. How many times has a text been misinterpreted or an off the wall comment taken wrong?

Perspective is a really interesting thing. I've always wanted to take part in a social experiment that I heard about. It went something like this. You take a group of people and put them in the same restaurant, with the same conversation and food. Then you have each of them seperate and write out what had just happened. You would end up with completely different stories, because each person has their own perspectives and experiences to relate to.


I try to keep in mind perspectives whenever I am writing or even living my life in general. It doesn't always work but I do try. Afterall no one else has been through what I have, nor have I lived in another persons skin. It is too easy to jump to conclusions based on our own perspectives. So take it easy on one another, be understanding, if you think one thing is happening - ASK - don't assume. Give the other person the benefit of doubt and allow them to explain their point of view or what they actually meant.

I know these are great ideas to live by - harder to do in practice. But if we all try, at least a little, the world will become a better place.

Now that I've given that happy little bit of advice I shall sign off. Have a supernatural day!