Wednesday, 17 August 2016

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to dammit.

The last few weeks have been crazy.  And here I thought when we finished the move that we would be able to relax…apparently not. 


I turned 42 last week.  While this birthday didn’t bring terror and tears or anything I’m not sure how I feel about the ripe old age I have achieved.  I had a great time, doing exactly what I wanted for a low-key, quiet celebration.  Hanging with friends, lots of laughter and generally a great time.  I’m not horrified by the age, being forty two is really different than I would have thought.  I would have expected me to break down.  To be a blubbering mess, but I wasn’t.  Instead I found myself calm and quite chill (the total opposite of me normally so this was definitely odd. 


The hardest part of any birthday is celebrating without my mom.  Wanting her there will never cease, it never goes away.  On special moments the ache is just, well worse.  She would laugh at me I know and tell me to suck it up.  That this is the way life is and that I need to get over it.  Get over it.  So much easier said than done.  I try so hard to be normal, to accept that this is the hand that life has dealt my family but I really am not okay.  It’s been eleven nearly twelve years and I am still not okay.  A piece of me is gone and it won’t ever come back.  I fake it well, on the face of things I appear normal.  Well as normal as can be anyways.  But inside I’m not.  There are so many moments that I would love to call my mom and ask her advice, chat with her, vent to her, anything.  And I can’t.  It’s moments like these that I have a hard time with envy.  I envy my friends who can call and talk with their moms.  They mention it and I know they don’t intend to be mean but every time it’s like a knife to my heart.  Not that I want them to lose their parent I just want mine back.  I’m 42 and feel like an orphan.  I guess one never gets over the loss of a loved one.  And a mother daughter relationship is special. 


Wow.  Morose post today…sorry for that.  Hope you all can excuse my teariness.  With Thing 1 moving the end of the month I am feeling very on edge and close to tears at all times.  I wonder how my mom felt when I moved away and then this whole stream of selfishness and sadness encompasses me and I can’t escape.  AHh… there I go again.  Damn it.  I better sign off while I’m not a blubbering mess.  Until next time.

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