The last 24

We are now under the twenty four hour mark.  I am a total mess.  In less than a day I will leave my son, my baby boy in the big city.  All alone, in his apartment, in an unfamiliar neighborhood and I will walk away.  Letting him adjust to life, to being an adult and a college student.  I am a total mess.

I know that this is the end goal.  That this is the way that life is supposed to go.  We have children and raise them to be capable adults who can function on their own.  Who go to college and move out.  That doesn’t make it any easier.  My heart hurts.

This will change the dynamic of our family, the entire feel of my home.  Thing 1 has always had a big personality that fills our home.  He thinks he’s funny, I am constantly groaning as he puns his way through any situation.  We’ve even joked about whether we should start a drinking game that every time he makes a pun we have to take a drink.  However it was decided that that would have everyone too drunk.

As a mother I am so proud of him for everything that he is accomplishing and for him following his dreams.  But as a mother I am also incredibly worried.  Terrified even.  Will he be okay?  What if he gets lost?  What if he’s lonely?  What if he doesn’t do well at school?  What if school isn’t what he thought it would be?  All these thoughts and more are stampeding through my brain on repeat.  At points it feels as though I can’t breathe for the paralyzing anxiety.

Thing 1 was my first foray into being a real adult.  I had him when I was twenty three and it was the first time I had to be responsible for anyone besides myself.  Although I wanted a girl, when he was born he lit up my world.  When he was six or seven we noticed that he was different from other kids.  At age 10 he was diagnosed with a mild form of Asperger’s.  For those not in the know, Asperger’s is on the autism spectrum.  The children who have Asperger’s have a very hard time with social interaction, their brains are not wired the same way as the majority of people.  They don’t understand social cues, or make eye contact regularly.  There are also a number of other symptoms.  They aren’t slow, most are in fact quite gifted when it comes to school classes.  We have worked very hard over the past number of years to make sure that he is as adjusted as can be.  That being said we still have a lot of issues, things that have to be explained in a different way so that Thing 1 will understand them.   He doesn’t adjust well to change and becomes overwhelmingly frustrated when things don’t work the way he thinks they should.  As the parent of an Asperger’s child my paranoia and worry had been increased.  What if he can’t deal?  How can I help him the way I always have when I am a two hour drive away?  Gah.  Maybe things are worse because of this and maybe not.  They might have been just as bad if he was a “normal” teenage boy.  I don’t know.  All I know is how I feel.

Also adding to my worry is the pure naïve nature of my son.  He always wants to do the right thing.  Prime example.  For background information – he worked at the Coffee Culture.  He worked the closing shift most nights.  One night he calls me just before midnight.
T1 panic in his voice – “Mom.  I need you to come pick me up.”
Me – “Um.  Okay but why?”
T1 – “I was cleaning the bathrooms and I found a back pack.”
Me – “Okay….”
T1 – “Yeah full of money, like ten thousand dollars and also a passport.”
Me – “Okay… but why do you need me?”
T1 – “So we can return it to the address on the passport after I close.”
Me – “No.  We are not driving to a strangers house in the middle of the night.  You need to call the police.”
T1 – “Oh.  Okay.”

He had no idea that it is not normal for average people to carry around ten grand in cash.  It never crossed his mind that the owner of this cash might have some nefarious purpose.  He didn’t bat an eye about knocking on a potential drug dealers house at nearly one in the morning.  These are the thoughts that never even crossed his mind.

And this dear readers only adds to my fears.  This honest, kind, open kid is moving to Toronto.  Gah.  I think I need a paper bag to breathe into.  I know I’ll get through this but DAMN it’s not going to be easy.