Oh my Gawd!

Today is a beautiful fall day and I am sitting in my favourite hole in the wall coffee shop, enjoying a tea. I do love the smell of coffee, it evokes such positive, warm, feelings, but I’ll be honest when I say I cannot stand the taste of the stuff. Makes me want to vomit – no matter how much milk and sugar I add. So I stick to my tea and pretend I am sophisticated, AKA adult, enough to drink a cup of Joe. I watch as the leaves change colours and while I love the look of this season, I hate knowing that winter is merely minutes away. I fully admit to being a summer girl, basking in the sun, never cold just breathing. But the wheel of time moves on whether I wish it to or not.

As October speeds along, things for me are just getting more and more real. Only seventeen days until the official release of Supernaturally Yours. (Which by the way is available for preorder in eBook format on www.musapublishing.com – here’s the direct link . My nerves are a little ruined; I am still in a total state of shock.

I was doing up posters for the novel when I thought I’d better put a web address on them, so I faithfully went to my publishers website (just to make sure I had typed it in right) and while there I thought “What the hell, let’s put my name in the search bar.” Just for (as my mother used to say) ‘shits and giggles’ and lo to my surprise the cover pops up. Along with my blurb, excerpt and link to the book trailer. There was also a little red button for “buy now”. I nearly peed my pants. Quite honestly I screeched (and for those of you who know me, know I NEVER screech). It was an honest “Oh my god.” Moment. (which I said at least four times – each progressively screechier. There it was. My book. My love, my soul, my brain child, bane of my existence, my focus for the last two years. RIGHT THERE! I don’t think I will ever have a moment like that again in my life. I immediately called Mr. Gloria at work (pulling him from a meeting – but OH MY GOD!!) I screeched at him and freaked out a bit. Okay a lot. But it’s all new for me, I’m allowed. I am trying to find the words to express my emotions in that moment. Overwhelming happiness, disbelief, pride, fear, anxiety and joy all rolled up into a big old ball of “oh, my GAWD!”

I guess I am still in that stage of being unable to believe it is happening. I keep expecting the publisher to turn around and go “oops, sorry. We made a mistake.” Or “Bazinga! Fooled ya!” Not that I don’t think Supernaturally Yours is a great book, I do. It’s just this shit doesn’t happen to me.

Although I seem to be the only one with these secret doubts hiding inside me. I was talking to Mr. Gloria about it and he says. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.” When I asked him what he meant by that he clarified, that he’d always known he would see my work published somewhere. From the time he read the first poem I ever shared with him he saw something in me that would be more. He said that he knew how special I was and that the world would discover it as soon as I let them see it, instead of hiding the real me behind a mask of normalcy. - As if he wasn’t sweet enough without all the honeyed words, then he has to go and say things that almost make me cry. Bastard. But a really great bastard nonetheless.

I was kinda shocked by his admission, for a few reasons. First, I never saw anything special in me, I am just me. Second, that the bugger has known I could do so much more, and in the twenty years we’ve been together he never told me to get off my ass and do it. Third, that he could have such faith in me is truly humbling.

So I sit in my coffee shop, almost drinking coffee and going over all the ways my life has changed. Wait that’s not right my life hasn’t changed, I have. I am learning to accept me and love myself and believe in myself and maybe that is where the difference is. I like the person I am, a year or two ago I would have hidden from myself, behind a wall of everyday mom, instead of embracing the wookie wearing scooter riding freak that I am. I would never have believed that I deserved any of this. The fact that the world will soon be able to read my work (which is like reading inside my brain, my mind, my soul) is terrifying to me but I’m not afraid of it. Sounds like a weird sentiment, but I’m terrified of putting myself out there to be ridiculed, to be thought of as ‘less than’ but I am also not afraid. I know this is the path I am meant to take, the one I have to take. This is where I was meant to be. I only shake my head at how long it took me to get here.

That was awkward....

I hate feeling awkward. That’s an odd sentence because really who likes feeling awkward? (The hint is in the meaning). For me, it comes in social situations. I never know what to do, or say, how to behave, what are appropriate actions and so on. Socializing is like a mine field: ready to blow me into little pieces at any time.

Before I get to far into this I must take a minute to mention how lucky I am to be surrounded by a group of friends who ignore my ineptitude and make me comfortable. Enough so that I no longer feel like talking to them, or hanging out with them is a “social situation” it’s more like wearing a comfy bathrobe while chatting. Nothing uncomfortable there. And my friends are definitely to thank for that.

For me a social situation is defined as any moment where I have to speak to people I don’t know. Being at work doesn’t count (it’s a specific type of conversation where I know what to expect and how to answer the questions that will come up) so work is safe.
This is how most of my moments of total mortification (AKA social situations) appear:

Me: “Hi.”
Other person: “Hi, how are you?”
Me: “Good. You?”
Other person: “Great. Nice day?”
Me: “Uh huh.”
And then the deafening sound of crickets and air whooshing takes over the room. The silence becomes deadly, and we stare at each other wondering who will break first. Neither of us does, I smile awkwardly: which must come out as more of a grimace because the other person doesn’t smile back. The sweat starts to pool under my arms, my breathing speeds up. I can’t figure out what is appropriate to do or say. I stare at the other person until my eyes begin watering. The other person looks at me unsure why I am sweating, crying and grimacing at them. They then clears their throat in nervous reaction – not knowing if I am about to attack or pass out. With a great amount of unease we both look away. And the moment to connect, to meet someone new, to overcome my fear, is lost.


It feels like public speaking when I am trying to talk to anyone I don’t know (in case you haven’t guessed it public speaking is NOT my forte.) I never know what to say, should I talk about politics? (which I don’t follow) weather? (um…boring) drinking? (Not exactly appropriate with a teenager) sex? (Definitely awkward with a senior citizen or any stranger really). What do I say???
And to make it worse when I get uncomfortable really weird things come out…

Like the time I blurted out:
“My cat just died.”
Or “Gone on any dates yet?” (To a newly married woman.)
Or “I like butter tarts.”
Or “Cute kid. Can’t be yours, right?”

And so on and so forth. I guess I could look at it as a positive – my verbal diarrhea makes not only me cringe but everyone else now feels the same way I do. Uncomfortable. This is a positive to me because while they are tilting their heads in awe, the word bubble above their head saying “Did she really just say that out loud?” I can escape. And that is what I usually do – RUN AWAY!
So if you see me and I say something completely weird, inappropriate or awkward, just smile and nod. And maybe back away slowly – you never know what will happen next.

New Business Cards

Just thought I'd share a picture - well two pictures really but who's counting.

I have been working away on the promotional end of things and am still in the midst of that stuff (in case you were wondering at the lack of posts)

I had some business cards made up, (see the attached picture) now some of you might be wondering if I am putting the cart before the horse. Well I did this because as I was talking to people about what was going on and the book, they wanted to "follow" me. So they could know when Supernaturally Yours comes out. After about the forty four hundredth time (okay you got me I'm exaggerating but it felt like that many in my head) of writing out the facebook address and blog website out I decided to get some cards made up.

And here they are!